Satanosphere

In case you’re in some sort of coma or hate the Internet or are incredibly dumb, today is fucking Talk Like A Pirate Day 2008. Started a few years ago by some other Internet nerds, TLAPD has become a sensation.

Here’s what you do: All day, in all your human interactions, instead of your adapted-from-the-blacks quasi-hip-hop dialect of English that you speak you talk like an 18th century buccaneer.

This video has a few short phrases to get you started. Enjoy, ye lubbers!

For those who haven’t seen this yet, if there are any out there. I had been waiting for this day since I first laid eyes on Sarah Palin’s stupid, yet somewhat VPILF-ish, face. Ah, Tina Fey, how I love thee…..

The dickheads that we are behind Satanosphere tend to have a lot of things in common: We drink too much, we obsess over girls on the Internet you’ve never heard of, we like this Obama knucklehead, and we like to make lots of fun of the Internet’s weirdos. We also all enjoy the fuck out of steak. Our own Quacky even has a blog dedicated to steak. We have had steak in many forms and often compare and contrast recipes and techniques. We like it on skewers or on grills or wrapped in foil or even chicken-fried.

Steak, a piece of muscle tissue taken from another animal, usually cattle, and cooked to perfection, is one of the greatest things Americans have gotten right in the pleasure department. You can have your Brazilian steaks, with their grass-fed, free-range cows that leave the meat lean and flavorless. I’ll take a strip cut from an Angus by way of Texas. American beef cows are corn-fed, which my doctor might not approve of, but it gives the meat a more steaky, sweet flavor. And that’s how we like it, Americans.

But a steak by itself is just that–a steak. To really make a steak great it needs friends. What you serve with your steak–and before it and after it–can turn a really good steak into a memorable experience you’ll note on your Facebook.

Here is your author’s humble suggestion for making a great steak night.

Read the rest of this entry »

Look, I’m not one to laugh at other people, but–fuck, who are we kidding. This is Satanosphere. We laugh at other people. It’s what the Internet’s for.

I’m not sure who this heartbroken redneck is, but I certainly hope he finds his Janice. He’s right about one thing: Kids can bring you beer and food.

Share with us how you feel about this man. Sad? Lonely? Should we be making fun of him? Do you want to date him, perhaps?

This story at The Atlantic has one of the best quotes ever in the history if mankind and God and beer and presidents:

Kroft from 60 Minutes: “But you tried really hard to reach these people,” Kroft pressed. “You went and sipped beer, which I know you don’t particularly like - I mean you even…”

Barack Obama: “I don’t like beer? C’mon, man.”

Read that again: “I don’t like beer? C’mon, man.” Oh, fucking hell yes.

I’m casting my vote for the pro-choice, pro-gay rights, former coke user with the hot wife who I also really, really would love to have beers–not a beer, beers–with. So should you.

QOTD: I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.  — Mitch Hedberg 1968 - 2005

If you don’t know the comedy of Zach Galifianakis then you suck. If you don’t like the comedy of Zach Galifianakis after being introduced to it, then I’m afraid we can’t be friends. If you still can’t type ‘Zach Galifianakis’ without looking it up then you need to practice harder.

Below is an introductory video, an ad Zach Galifianakis did for the makers of Absolut vodka, with only one condition of creativity:

“Zach was asked to make an ad for Absolut Vodka as part of their ongoing artist series. He agreed as long as he got to do what he wanted without any restrictions. He asked his friends Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim of “Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show, Great Job” to join him in creating the spot.”

I don’t expect you to appreciate the comedy yet. Zach Galifianakis is a difficult comic. Do yourself a favor and watch the other Absolute vodka ads: part 2, and part 3.

You still haven’t figured it out yet have you? Zach Galifianakis makes you uncomfortable, like he does to Jimmy Kimmel and Michael Cera in the ‘Between Two Ferns’ videos. That’s the whole fucking point! He is a comedian of discomfort. Plus he’s fucking hilarious… try to find the “Gay Snake” video some time.

Let me start by saying this: I absolutely LOVE this relatively new strategy of /spelling_out_the_entire_story_in_the_url/ format that blogs have been picking up on as of late. With that said, I present this story: http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Drunk_Man_Drunk_Pit_Bull_Fight_Over_Malt_Liquor

That’s right, drunk man, drunk pit bull, fighting over malt liquor. An entire case of malt liquor, in fact, according to the story. My favorite moment:

I was kind of stunned, but ran outside. A man sat on my curb, feet in the street, swaying and drinking from a tall can of Old English, with a box of more cans next to him. Someone shouted “OH SHIT, it’s coming back!” and pointed up the street. I looked, to see a monstrous pit bull galloping down the street, full-tilt. I remember thinking that it looked just like one of those things from “Ghostbusters” as it leapt, soaring through the air and shoulder-checking the man with the OE cans, sending him flat and the cans scattering.

The dog then grabbed a can in its jaws and bit down hard, puncturing the can and shaking it like a baby — which sent streams of malt liquor shooting out of the holes around its fangs and straight down the monster’s throat. It spat the mostly-empty can out into the street, covered in drool and malt liquor and wagged its tail, happily burping.

Happy Drinking, and remember to keep an eye peeled for intoxicated canids.

From the Freakonomics blog on NYTimes.com comes this advice, which, um … (yeah we’re assholes, we’ll say it) told ya so!

No matter what, do not let yourself become a wine expert who can tell the difference between cheap and expensive wines. When it comes to your pocketbook and wine, ignorance is bliss.

– Cheap Wine / Freakonomics Blog

Now that the Scienticians are saying it maybe you’ll start listening to me, family and close concerned friends, but what I’ve been going on about for years is now science: Quitting drinking makes you depressed.

It’s true! “Our work establishes a link between abstinence from alcohol drinking and depression,” said the professor behind the research. They found that mice who were drinking on their own time got depressed when their daily allotment of booze was kept from them. When it was returned, they were happier.

Now will you let me have my beer? I mean happy juice?