Satanosphere

Hiroshima , 1945. The last known photo of Kelli and Senor Loco.

You need to look at these.

Sooooo, lemme ask ya pardner, has this blood-gurgling financial mess gotten you thinkin’ that maybe those Judeo-Christian Armageddeon scenarios might have some heft after all? I’m sure Monday’s 777-point drop had you shaking in your Biblically numerological boots as well.

But before you resign yourself to one final red-skied night of nuke popcorn and your favorite Kirk Cameron apocalypse flick, it may come as some reassurance to you pantheists out that this whole mess is, allegedly, happening right on time, according to the Mayan calendar. And them Mayans ain’t no bible-thumpin’ windbags who’ll beat down your door in demands that you redeem yourself. For one thing, they’re all dead. But man, did they leave us one hell of a millennial to-do list.

Bust this knowledge from Escape The Illusion, a blog that maintains “Reality Is An Illusion”:

The Mayan Calendar has been predicting this collapse for thousands of years. And from what I can see, it will be a massive collapse. Moreover, it will be a global collapse. If all goes according to plan, money as we know it will have no meaning whatsoever by November of this year. Predictions indicate that an economic breakdown that is tantamount to the dropping of the atomic bomb (which happened the last time we were at this same phase of the Calendar) will happen sometime between now and November 12, 2008.

That’s not a lot of time, of course. We have six weeks to see these madcap hijinx unfold:

At first, of course, we’ll scramble to save our money… Next, we’ll see the government scramble to stop the impending collapse… I predict that you’ll see the fall of commercial and retail banks (including credit card companies) because people will not be able to continue paying back loans… Systems like this simply will not be able to sustain themselves in this time of increasing light. Another of the illusions that must fall away is the illusion of “credit”. I predict that credit ratings and the like will mean nothing very, very soon.

Oh, great. I cleaned up my credit last year. Goddam — er, darn it. Say, you killjoy Mayans, you got any GOOD NEWS?

The GOOD NEWS though is that things will get better starting in November. I suspect that Obama will win the election because he fits the Prophecy quite closely. It may or may not be a good thing. I still don’t know. The first 7 years will be great but after that it could be not so good. I guess we’ll see how it plays out. By then we will be in the new world and all bets are off. Frankly, I have no idea what is coming. I only know it is HUGE, it is Divinely guided, and it will be FINE!!!.

Ah, those judicious cap-locks reassure me, somewhat. So what do we do as the skies tumble and stockholders try to go back to their happy place?

So what, you ask, should you do in the meantime? Well, I certainly don’t have all of the answers but I will suggest that you enjoy your money while you can. Love it. Adore it. Use it. Trade it. These are the last hours that it will mean much of anything. So have fun with it. I certainly wouldn’t recommend getting all weirded out about it.

Suh-weeet! I’m gonna be blowin’ my wad in New York in late October! Pleeeease let there be a Nathan Lane show on Broadway!

There’s more to this whole story at the website referred to if you have the time and the willful suspension of disbelief. In the meantime, get them chakras upgraded, crystal shipmen. And womyn.

I need to know that. I really do. Because she’s gonna have the nuclear codes, ya know? [at about 1m 24s]

Sarah Palin Kills Bullwinkle - Bambi Is Next « Don’stuff
Sarah Palin Kills Bullwinkle - Bambi Is Next
September 15, 2008

Related work

In case you’re in some sort of coma or hate the Internet or are incredibly dumb, today is fucking Talk Like A Pirate Day 2008. Started a few years ago by some other Internet nerds, TLAPD has become a sensation.

Here’s what you do: All day, in all your human interactions, instead of your adapted-from-the-blacks quasi-hip-hop dialect of English that you speak you talk like an 18th century buccaneer.

This video has a few short phrases to get you started. Enjoy, ye lubbers!

In a new blopost called I Know Sexy Librarians. You, Governor, Are No Sexy Librarian Tragic Optimist Ann Z takes issue with all of the homina hub-bub surrounding VPILF Sarah Palin. I like this blopost a lot!

But you know what? Despite the fact that it’s totally not cool to use your mayoral abilities to try banning books, and despite the fact that yes, semantically it is kind of bullshit to use the epithet ‘librarian’ in conjunction with ’sexy’ to describe a hot woman wearing just about anything plus glasses … I have to take issue with the Traj in an important way.

Here’s the thing. She wants to take the image of sexy librarian back somehow and make it about information archival prowess or something. I don’t know, but librarians have been waging this battle for EVER… and it just doesn’t get much traction, because:

1. you can’t abbreviate this cultural construct any better than ’sexy librarian’ (or sometimes ’school teacher’ is used the same way) — like you can’t get off on a picture of a ’sexy woman with a slight frown gazing down her nose over glasses, who has her hair pinned up in some fashion’ — it’s a code to say ’sexy librarian’ and nobody means actual librarians any offense here; and then
2. if you’re not someone who is somehow physically appealing or attractive or alluring, then it really doesn’t matter one bit if you are “the person who can find what you need, who can juggle and evaluate and sift through and sort through and organize so much information your head spins, and then shows you the best of the best and a couple of great ways to keep on searching should you need to find more” because that in and of itself is not inherently sexy (granted, of course Rule 34).

Which is a long way of saying, “If you smell bad and/or have horrible hygeine and/or present yourself without care and/or have any number of social disabilities (e.g. not knowing when to shut up about yourself) you’re not sexy to most people, no matter how amazing you are about information.” Which is still a pretty damn long way of saying “the stereotypes work, don’t take it so personally.”

Fecal Fest Approaches!

Woodland Park Zoo Press Release
September 2, 2008

Calendar Advisory:

Annual Fall Fecal Fest – Drawing for Zoo Doo and Bedspread sale

Media Contact:
Gigi Allianic, Rebecca Whitham
206.548.2550
woodlandparkzoopr@zoo.org

What:
Fall is around the corner, which means it’s time for Woodland Park Zoo’s annual Fall Fecal Fest. Garden enthusiasts and Zoo Doo loyalists, get ready to enter a drawing to purchase the highly coveted Zoo Doo. The pungent piles of poop make up the richest, highly aromatic, most exotic compost in the Pacific Northwest.

For more information, call the poop line at 206.625.POOP or visit the ZooDoo page on the zoo’s website.

allmusic The Eames Era > Biography
Like an Oreo cookie turned inside out, the Eames Era play indie pop that’s sweet and fluffy on the outside, thanks to their irresistible melodic hooks and the tasty meringue-like vocals of Ashlin Phillips. But the guitars of Ted Joyner and Grant Widmer, as well as the rhythm section of bassist Brian Waits and drummer Greg Gauthreaux, give the band’s sound a crunchy body and soul that confirms they aren’t just another bunch of twee-poppers obsessed with all things cute.

Find these guys’s records and eat them up. You won’t be sorry, in kind of a 1995 sparkling, summery, sensual and plaintive, Velocity Girl kind of way.

In these financially troubled times, people all over this great nation are taking desperate measures just to scrape by. If you read the news casually, it sounds like we’re just being thrifty, like we used to be when Starsky <3′d Hutch : Many repair old mowers.

But it’s darker than that. The whole story is really about motorized equimpent manufacturer Briggs & Stratton falling on hard times due in small part to a shortage of hurricanes, it would seem:

A lack of hurricanes so far this year has been felt in Briggs’ portable generator business.
In a year with multiple storms, industry-wide generator sales can top 1 million units. Briggs is one of the industry’s leaders, and generators are among its most profitable businesses.
“The generator business for us is a means of supporting our engine business,” Shiely said. “A hurricane really drives sales. It’s bad news for a lot of people, but it’s good news for the generator business.”

In other economic news, it’s not clear at this time whether the high school teacher arrested for prostitution at a Houston Hotel was moonlighting in a desperate effort to repay her ARM-reset disaster-mortgage, or maybe she was trying to save up in order live like the the McCains in one of ten million-dollar mansions… Something tells me after watching the video, high school teachers are not in the million dollar mansion market.

So we can’t yet conclude which is the least successful tactic: fixing lawnmowers, whoring, or running for president. Maybe a better idea is faking a bigfoot and then running away with $57 grand. [FAGGZ!!!]

In a bid to out-spectacularly suicide all the spectacular suicides we’ve had so far this century, 54 year-old Welshman Gerald Mellin has made an effort to leave something behind to be remembered by:

According to the court, Mellin tied one end of a rope to a tree, climbed into his DB7 and wrapped the other end around his neck. Mellin then jammed the pedal down on the $173,000 car, driving into a busy main road, forcing other drivers to watch his horrific death. Police found his headless body still in the driving seat and his head on the back seat.

Sure he was in massive debt and on anti-depressants, but did that stop him from achieving fame and immortality? No way! So, if you’ve got a messy divorce going on, a spare $175K convertible, and a longing to make the front page of rotten.com, just make sure someone is around to get pictures! * Also, if you REALLY want to irk your freshly divorced spouse, make sure you cancel your insurance policy first. xoxo