Satanosphere

Forget for a moment the election, the bailout, the Seahawks, and everything else, because there’s something important you should know: At 7:46 this evening Pacific time, a fucking meteor is going to collide with Earth.

It’ll happen somewhere over Sudan where it will be very dark. Thankfully it should be completely obliterated by the upper atmosphere, so we’re probably going to be OK. Unless they misjudged the size of the thing.

It’s sad, really, that this rock, which has likely been traveling for millions of years in a more or less straight line, will die tonight in a fiery death. At least the fireball should be glorious. Look for it on YouTube tomorrow.

Sooooo, lemme ask ya pardner, has this blood-gurgling financial mess gotten you thinkin’ that maybe those Judeo-Christian Armageddeon scenarios might have some heft after all? I’m sure Monday’s 777-point drop had you shaking in your Biblically numerological boots as well.

But before you resign yourself to one final red-skied night of nuke popcorn and your favorite Kirk Cameron apocalypse flick, it may come as some reassurance to you pantheists out that this whole mess is, allegedly, happening right on time, according to the Mayan calendar. And them Mayans ain’t no bible-thumpin’ windbags who’ll beat down your door in demands that you redeem yourself. For one thing, they’re all dead. But man, did they leave us one hell of a millennial to-do list.

Bust this knowledge from Escape The Illusion, a blog that maintains “Reality Is An Illusion”:

The Mayan Calendar has been predicting this collapse for thousands of years. And from what I can see, it will be a massive collapse. Moreover, it will be a global collapse. If all goes according to plan, money as we know it will have no meaning whatsoever by November of this year. Predictions indicate that an economic breakdown that is tantamount to the dropping of the atomic bomb (which happened the last time we were at this same phase of the Calendar) will happen sometime between now and November 12, 2008.

That’s not a lot of time, of course. We have six weeks to see these madcap hijinx unfold:

At first, of course, we’ll scramble to save our money… Next, we’ll see the government scramble to stop the impending collapse… I predict that you’ll see the fall of commercial and retail banks (including credit card companies) because people will not be able to continue paying back loans… Systems like this simply will not be able to sustain themselves in this time of increasing light. Another of the illusions that must fall away is the illusion of “credit”. I predict that credit ratings and the like will mean nothing very, very soon.

Oh, great. I cleaned up my credit last year. Goddam — er, darn it. Say, you killjoy Mayans, you got any GOOD NEWS?

The GOOD NEWS though is that things will get better starting in November. I suspect that Obama will win the election because he fits the Prophecy quite closely. It may or may not be a good thing. I still don’t know. The first 7 years will be great but after that it could be not so good. I guess we’ll see how it plays out. By then we will be in the new world and all bets are off. Frankly, I have no idea what is coming. I only know it is HUGE, it is Divinely guided, and it will be FINE!!!.

Ah, those judicious cap-locks reassure me, somewhat. So what do we do as the skies tumble and stockholders try to go back to their happy place?

So what, you ask, should you do in the meantime? Well, I certainly don’t have all of the answers but I will suggest that you enjoy your money while you can. Love it. Adore it. Use it. Trade it. These are the last hours that it will mean much of anything. So have fun with it. I certainly wouldn’t recommend getting all weirded out about it.

Suh-weeet! I’m gonna be blowin’ my wad in New York in late October! Pleeeease let there be a Nathan Lane show on Broadway!

There’s more to this whole story at the website referred to if you have the time and the willful suspension of disbelief. In the meantime, get them chakras upgraded, crystal shipmen. And womyn.

Or, how a Palin Administration will look like in 2016:

By now I’m sure you want the whole Sonseed album, which you can obtain here.

A comedian once used to make jokes that drugs were getting so designer that in the future we’d be smoking the ashes of celebrities. We have apparently reached that future. An award winning German artist named Natascha Stellmach has somehow acquired some of Kurt Cobain’s ashes and plans to smoke them in a joint as part of an art project called “Set Me Free”. And apparently she’s serious.

These are likely the same ashes that were stolen from Courtney Love’s home earlier this summer, and the artist isn’t saying how she acquired them, just that it was “magical”. So Maybe there are elves involved.

No reaction from Love yet, but she might not have heard about this yet. We’ll try to get a quote from her and get her opinion on the matter.

In these financially troubled times, people all over this great nation are taking desperate measures just to scrape by. If you read the news casually, it sounds like we’re just being thrifty, like we used to be when Starsky <3′d Hutch : Many repair old mowers.

But it’s darker than that. The whole story is really about motorized equimpent manufacturer Briggs & Stratton falling on hard times due in small part to a shortage of hurricanes, it would seem:

A lack of hurricanes so far this year has been felt in Briggs’ portable generator business.
In a year with multiple storms, industry-wide generator sales can top 1 million units. Briggs is one of the industry’s leaders, and generators are among its most profitable businesses.
“The generator business for us is a means of supporting our engine business,” Shiely said. “A hurricane really drives sales. It’s bad news for a lot of people, but it’s good news for the generator business.”

In other economic news, it’s not clear at this time whether the high school teacher arrested for prostitution at a Houston Hotel was moonlighting in a desperate effort to repay her ARM-reset disaster-mortgage, or maybe she was trying to save up in order live like the the McCains in one of ten million-dollar mansions… Something tells me after watching the video, high school teachers are not in the million dollar mansion market.

So we can’t yet conclude which is the least successful tactic: fixing lawnmowers, whoring, or running for president. Maybe a better idea is faking a bigfoot and then running away with $57 grand. [FAGGZ!!!]

In a bid to out-spectacularly suicide all the spectacular suicides we’ve had so far this century, 54 year-old Welshman Gerald Mellin has made an effort to leave something behind to be remembered by:

According to the court, Mellin tied one end of a rope to a tree, climbed into his DB7 and wrapped the other end around his neck. Mellin then jammed the pedal down on the $173,000 car, driving into a busy main road, forcing other drivers to watch his horrific death. Police found his headless body still in the driving seat and his head on the back seat.

Sure he was in massive debt and on anti-depressants, but did that stop him from achieving fame and immortality? No way! So, if you’ve got a messy divorce going on, a spare $175K convertible, and a longing to make the front page of rotten.com, just make sure someone is around to get pictures! * Also, if you REALLY want to irk your freshly divorced spouse, make sure you cancel your insurance policy first. xoxo

If you don’t know the comedy of Zach Galifianakis then you suck. If you don’t like the comedy of Zach Galifianakis after being introduced to it, then I’m afraid we can’t be friends. If you still can’t type ‘Zach Galifianakis’ without looking it up then you need to practice harder.

Below is an introductory video, an ad Zach Galifianakis did for the makers of Absolut vodka, with only one condition of creativity:

“Zach was asked to make an ad for Absolut Vodka as part of their ongoing artist series. He agreed as long as he got to do what he wanted without any restrictions. He asked his friends Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim of “Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show, Great Job” to join him in creating the spot.”

I don’t expect you to appreciate the comedy yet. Zach Galifianakis is a difficult comic. Do yourself a favor and watch the other Absolute vodka ads: part 2, and part 3.

You still haven’t figured it out yet have you? Zach Galifianakis makes you uncomfortable, like he does to Jimmy Kimmel and Michael Cera in the ‘Between Two Ferns’ videos. That’s the whole fucking point! He is a comedian of discomfort. Plus he’s fucking hilarious… try to find the “Gay Snake” video some time.

This Warren Ellis post — JOE 90 explains to me why the UK would produce a much vaster range of SF talent (e.g. Ellis himself) than we ever could here in This Here Good Ol U.S. of ‘Muhrca. It’s the opener for some crappy kids’ scifi / fantasy show called Joe 90 — from the same gang that brought us Thunderbirds Are GO. When you’re watching it, try to think about how much more awesome your Saturday mornings would have been with a little more of this and a little less Help! … It’s the Hair Bear Bunch!”

Ellis writes:

I think [the clip] underscores the basically creepy nature of children’s fantasy tv in the UK. Not as out-and-out fucking strange as, say, THE CHANGES or SKY. But, really, without any context — or, hell, even with it — the intro to JOE 90 is still kind of nervous-making.

Watch the YouTube for the creepy! Then wish for the DVD box set and some really great acid.

There’s a site called Pink Tentacle. How’d we miss that??!!

On this site, which I’m still trying to figure out, are links to squiddy and octopussy things. And other anomalous things like some really great furry art like this:

Let me start by saying this: I absolutely LOVE this relatively new strategy of /spelling_out_the_entire_story_in_the_url/ format that blogs have been picking up on as of late. With that said, I present this story: http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Drunk_Man_Drunk_Pit_Bull_Fight_Over_Malt_Liquor

That’s right, drunk man, drunk pit bull, fighting over malt liquor. An entire case of malt liquor, in fact, according to the story. My favorite moment:

I was kind of stunned, but ran outside. A man sat on my curb, feet in the street, swaying and drinking from a tall can of Old English, with a box of more cans next to him. Someone shouted “OH SHIT, it’s coming back!” and pointed up the street. I looked, to see a monstrous pit bull galloping down the street, full-tilt. I remember thinking that it looked just like one of those things from “Ghostbusters” as it leapt, soaring through the air and shoulder-checking the man with the OE cans, sending him flat and the cans scattering.

The dog then grabbed a can in its jaws and bit down hard, puncturing the can and shaking it like a baby — which sent streams of malt liquor shooting out of the holes around its fangs and straight down the monster’s throat. It spat the mostly-empty can out into the street, covered in drool and malt liquor and wagged its tail, happily burping.

Happy Drinking, and remember to keep an eye peeled for intoxicated canids.