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And Science Marches Forward
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By matt, Section Sci-Tech
Posted on Thu Jul 17th, 2003 at 11:55:00 PM PDT
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Every few months, I like to sit back and look at where we are in the world. You know, the Future? I don't care who you are, 2003 is in the Future. I mean, 2000 is when the Future started, of course, so we're a good 4 years into it!
And look at all the cool stuff that Science has to offer us today: No-snipping vasectomies, roll-your-own anuses for Siamese Twins, Wooly Mammoths, and 4-legged chickens.
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| We start with news, though. Good news for not just most men, but all men. And women, it should seem. Scienticians in Australia have determined that the more a man masturbates, the less likely he is to contract prostate cancer later in life. This is fantastic news for nerds, dweeb, shut-ins and dorks world-wide. No mention, however, on benefits for females in this form of cancer prevention, but better safe than sorry.
Also in the News of Male Genitalia is a new technique for vasectomies. Traditionally, when a man wanted to sterilize himself, the best option was to snip the tube that sperm travels through to their final destination, where they apparently hang out with Woody Allen. But Vasclip, a new rice-sized clip that closes the spermshoot, is a less permanent way to halt the march of a male's little troopers. While not quite as effective as a traditional version, the Vasclip is a fine alternative to those who don't want to lose their permanent attachments to their two closest friends (and I don't mean they're buddies in the Winnebego).
Medical Technology just keeps getting better in every way. Remember the poor Iranian siamese twin girls who died recently in a bid for their own seperation? At least they had an asshole or two between them. Not true for newborn Indonesian conjoined twins, who, between both of them, were born without an anus. Repeat: they couldn't take a poo. So what does the smarty doctors do? They somehow make them one. Kudos go to the doctors for their ingenuity.
But you've gotta be careful with these smarty docs. Sometimes in the rush to improvise, they can fuck up pretty bad. Like the doctor who lost the titanium rod for his patient's spine during surgery, so he used a goddam screwdriver that later broke, eventually causing the man to die. I'm not kidding. No word on if Craftsman will be offering a warantee exchange.
Japanese scientists are planning on cloning the Wooly Mammoth. Hot fucking damn, man. That is so cool. But technology can't help every species. The standard barnyard chicken is a scourge to mankind, good only as a source of food. But what would happen if they mutated, Ninja Turtle-style, to grow arms or legs to become effective humanity-destroying killing machines? Be afraid, bipeds.
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