Satanosphere

Sooooo, lemme ask ya pardner, has this blood-gurgling financial mess gotten you thinkin’ that maybe those Judeo-Christian Armageddeon scenarios might have some heft after all? I’m sure Monday’s 777-point drop had you shaking in your Biblically numerological boots as well.

But before you resign yourself to one final red-skied night of nuke popcorn and your favorite Kirk Cameron apocalypse flick, it may come as some reassurance to you pantheists out that this whole mess is, allegedly, happening right on time, according to the Mayan calendar. And them Mayans ain’t no bible-thumpin’ windbags who’ll beat down your door in demands that you redeem yourself. For one thing, they’re all dead. But man, did they leave us one hell of a millennial to-do list.

Bust this knowledge from Escape The Illusion, a blog that maintains “Reality Is An Illusion”:

The Mayan Calendar has been predicting this collapse for thousands of years. And from what I can see, it will be a massive collapse. Moreover, it will be a global collapse. If all goes according to plan, money as we know it will have no meaning whatsoever by November of this year. Predictions indicate that an economic breakdown that is tantamount to the dropping of the atomic bomb (which happened the last time we were at this same phase of the Calendar) will happen sometime between now and November 12, 2008.

That’s not a lot of time, of course. We have six weeks to see these madcap hijinx unfold:

At first, of course, we’ll scramble to save our money… Next, we’ll see the government scramble to stop the impending collapse… I predict that you’ll see the fall of commercial and retail banks (including credit card companies) because people will not be able to continue paying back loans… Systems like this simply will not be able to sustain themselves in this time of increasing light. Another of the illusions that must fall away is the illusion of “credit”. I predict that credit ratings and the like will mean nothing very, very soon.

Oh, great. I cleaned up my credit last year. Goddam — er, darn it. Say, you killjoy Mayans, you got any GOOD NEWS?

The GOOD NEWS though is that things will get better starting in November. I suspect that Obama will win the election because he fits the Prophecy quite closely. It may or may not be a good thing. I still don’t know. The first 7 years will be great but after that it could be not so good. I guess we’ll see how it plays out. By then we will be in the new world and all bets are off. Frankly, I have no idea what is coming. I only know it is HUGE, it is Divinely guided, and it will be FINE!!!.

Ah, those judicious cap-locks reassure me, somewhat. So what do we do as the skies tumble and stockholders try to go back to their happy place?

So what, you ask, should you do in the meantime? Well, I certainly don’t have all of the answers but I will suggest that you enjoy your money while you can. Love it. Adore it. Use it. Trade it. These are the last hours that it will mean much of anything. So have fun with it. I certainly wouldn’t recommend getting all weirded out about it.

Suh-weeet! I’m gonna be blowin’ my wad in New York in late October! Pleeeease let there be a Nathan Lane show on Broadway!

There’s more to this whole story at the website referred to if you have the time and the willful suspension of disbelief. In the meantime, get them chakras upgraded, crystal shipmen. And womyn.

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